It has been a while since I have posted. I am sure you can see the date of my last post, and you can see that it’s been about a year. That doesn’t mean it has been all perfect, or that I just forgot to post the bad, but it has been a little of both!
This year is looking better than last, which is a great thing! Right now, I just feel I am running in place, and not going very far. I am bored in our marriage, and he doesn’t care. That is frustrating to say the least. I want to go on dates, I want to go on trips, I want to do stuff together. We just keep doing stuff separately instead. I do not like division in my own home.
It is March 20, 2017, and since we have woken up on January 1st, we have had sex 1 time, and it was NOT enjoyable. It’s so hard to get into it when he doesn’t want it. When I tell you that I do not look sloppy or anything, I really mean that. I could be smaller, I was only 15 lbs less when I got pregnant, so It’s not like I have a long way to go.
But what do you do when you are not in love? I am going through the motions, I am trying, but, he isn’t. It’s so weird, he is my best friend, and I don’t want to let him go, but I am just here living with my best friend, who keeps distant from me. Maybe I am obsessed with him loving me like Christ loved the church, and I KNOW what that looks like. So, when I see that NOT happening, not even some of the time, let alone most of the time, it is really hard to accept.
I haven’t been praying for him, just living day by day, I haven’t been in the word, not even alone, until about a week ago, that seemed so hard to get back into it. I feel like God is keeping things the way they are because I need to continue in prayer. I know some of you may be reading this thinking I am stupid. But, when I am in need of him, and I am praying for my husband, MANNNNNN, let me tell you how amazing things are! They are so different, I can hardly explain.
When we don’t have a need for God we tend to leave him behind. I am not mad at God for reminding me I cannot do it alone. If him and I end up divorcing, then so be it. I know God has a plan. I do not want divorce at all. That is the last thing I do want. But if things come to light and it doesn’t work, then what can I do?
I have learned a hard lesson. You CANNOT control what other people do, only how you react to what others do. It is something I still struggle with every day.
These are just my thoughts, and what is running through my head. As you can tell, I do not even have much to say. I may have 10 people reading this in my life time, and that is ok with me. But if you are one of those 10, and you are going through something, just know… You are not alone. Your situation isn’t as unique as you thought it was. There are so many people that need to hear your story, even if its little, maybe sharing can be the way that you hear what you need to. I am praying for you right now, even though I do not know you. I can’t say if it will be okay or not, but I know it will be alright in the end. I can help you share your story if you want, and post it from here, and let others comment. Share it with your friends, the whole page and let others read my pain, and if my chance they see yours and can have a few words of comfort, then every little bit helps. Maybe no one will ever read this, but the point is you shared it with someone. You let it out and are not holding on so tight to that burden any longer. As women we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. It will all work itself out.