I haven’t been on for a few days, and I have a very valid excuse! Or not, lol. Notice I said EXCUSE! Not reason, for all of my 15 followers! lol. My excuse was that my OTHER best friend was on the verge of finding out about my blog, and there is a possibility she has found it, as she found the Facebook page, and Instagram, and for now I have had to block her from it. I deactivated my FB page, and then I blocked her from IG because that is what has the actual link for this website is. The whole point is that I have to feel free to write and having strangers to write to, is the most freeing thing in the world for me right now.
My first best friend found out, and she responded as her heart hurts for me, that I don’t have anyone to talk to, and she understands why, but she is here for me. But the point is that, Who wants to talk to friends about infidelity? Regardless if it is past, present, or future? And regardless if it is something that is physical, emotional, or just that something in between, to take up time and space. The answer is, no one.
So with my other best-friend finding out about all of this. After this is suppose to be totally anonymous, Jane Doe, BF1 encouraging me that I can help a lot of people, you can imagine, how I am feeling discouraged to write. I do not want my friends to want to hate my husband or anything of the sort. I do not want them to feel sorry for me, I do not want them to do anything other than support me. However BF2 at times, we can fight like true sisters, and she is the kind to throw stuff in my face. That is a big reason why I do not want her to know about this blog. Why I am not ready for her to find out. If she doesn’t know she will know soon enough. None of us are perfect people, and it has been quite some time since we have argued like we were 14 lol, but I swear if we were to argue today, she would be bringing up something that happen on June 16th 1998. I love her to death! There are reasons why I enjoy writing to strangers. You can judge me or you cannot not, and I wouldn’t care.
But most of all, I do not want them looking at my husband in any kind of ill manner. That is not the purpose of this. That is why I do not vent to them when he makes me mad, that is why I pray to God about these things, and not talk to them, that is why I try to keep to myself, and mostly act as tho everything is okay all the time. Mostly because MOST of the time things are just fine. Every couple will go through hard times, every marriage will be tried, and especially the ones who try to serve Christ, when that wasn’t their FULL intentions in the beginning.
After all, what purpose does Satan have to temp those who are already serving him? Why does he need to test those who are not serving God, or not trying to? Even looking at Adam and Eve, They were married, they had a union being one with God and each other, Gen 2:21-25 when the serpent went to even in the garden In chapter 3. He only went when they were one, and Married. Might as well wait until all is good with God to go and knock them off their game. That’s just the way it seems to work with good ol’ Luci. It’s just harder for me to speak to one friend than the other, as one is more spiritually mature than the other.
And let’s face it, if you know ANYthing about the way this always seems to work, the ones closest to you always seem to remember the old you, the you before the new man. Sometimes that old you can still have a way to surface, and because of that, those who are not as mature, don’t know how to let that part die, all the way. So YOU, I, ME, US, WE, as the Christian who knows better, have to try double hard to not let that old you resurface, and be like Paul and die daily. But when that doesn’t happen, that’t when you also like Paul, must with the mind, serve Christ, and he spoke of not doing what he wants to and doesn’t do what he wants to do, and sounded a little crazy. But I totally get it! At the end of the day, we are not perfect, period!!!
Why do I have this picture? Obedience makes us progressively stronger? Easy, God told me to write. But if my 2 best friends who may need to read the things I write, can read my public blog, know about it… I don”t wanna!!!! It makes it really hard. It makes it hard to be so honest. How do you be honest about your deepest sorrowful secrets, when you are to be naked and out there, when those closest to you can see? Its almost like what I JUST READ. Its funny, because I was reading it about marriage, lol and now I am getting something so different about it.
Gen 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. This is how I felt when I first started my blog, unashamed. Just so free, and nothing could stop me. I could be so naked, and I was one with God, following his instructions of writing. One thing I have always done, Everything, every time I write, I can pretty much say, my talent is used for his glory. It’s only been a matter of sharing it with the world or not. My treasure is always used for him, no matter what. Praise God for that!!!! And now what changed?
Gen 3: 7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
It’s really like someone told me I was naked now, because someone I know can see inside my soul. But I didn’t eat yet lol, so I am still good. The funny thing is I was going to write a post about my besties, and my prayer for them, the day BF1 found out. I held back because she found out. But I can’t do that. If I hold back from my nakedness, I am just eating of this fruit. That is not what God intended for me. Any other time, anyone who knows me knows, that I do not hold back my words, I speak my mind. Truth and Love go together hand and hand, and if they read it, oh well. They read it. I need to get over my fear, and press on! Maybe I need them. BF1 has already been supportive and she has helped me some with my site as well. I have continued to pray for both of them, and my readers can too. Just as I hope you all are praying for me. Now will I have the courage to publish that blog? LOL, we will see. Im sure I will. I can no longer hold back. I love them both very much and have for so much of my life.
God has told me to write, I have a book, a blog, and spoken word. I need to write. God will give the increase where he sees fit. I know he is talking about people here, and I am hoping to reach many for his glory. But its like Paul said. 1 Corinthians 3:6 I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. Maybe all I did was plant a seed in them, maybe I have watered, but at the end of the day, God will give the increase, and that is all we can pray and ask for.
I have written so much here today it feels like. As always, I am just praying that the ones I love can put God first. including myself. There is so much more that I am asking the Lord for to trust him with, I mean SOOOOOOOOOOO much more. But one thing here, is that I get over my fear, and trust him with my friends closest to me, knowing my heart as he sees fit. I always ask these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.