I have been going through this longer than May of 2016, because I was using another blog before that. Just so I can write into oblivion where no one knows me, and my feelings and prayers can go out into the open space where the reality is only 1’s and 0’s, not as the perception we want it to be. I deleted some, because I felt I may have been too harsh, and it wasn’t with a loving heart. Even in the post, I hate him, was with love. It was coming from a place of hurt, but it was with love, so much love. I have tried and tried, and we only got married on July 2, 2015. Only a few months after we were married, things changed. Found emails between him and another, the lies about where he was going, but for once in my life, I felt helpless as I was pregnant, and had to stop working. I needed him. But above all I loved him. I was in love with him, because he was truly the very first man who has seen all of me. He saw how I grew up first hand, What I went through, He saw the most inner parts of me, and I allowed myself to open up, because I believe what marriage is supposed to be. I believe in the union of two people becoming one, I believe in hanging in through sickness and health till death do you part. I was lead to believe, he believed the same.
I chose to be blind, because well, we all know the heart wants what it wants right?? Jeremiah 17:9 says that, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. As a woman I have never been big on emotions, but I do know we are emotional creatures, and therefore can act on them. I mean Genesis 3:1-7, is basically the destruction of mankind based off of a woman being envious and feeling deceived by God, think about it! LOL It’s basically true! But acting off of emotions, made me blind, at least that’s the case for me. It has been there, it has always been there, from the texts, to the voicemail’s, to the emails. And 90% of that came by accident. Why am I being shown this?
So I started to pray, and things would get better, and I would stop, then I would pray and things would get better, then I would stop. It was a cycle, until June of this year. I started to pray and I continued to pray, and the devil, he just went to work, the more I prayed the worse it got. The more frustrating it got. But I started to see that everything I want, and everything I need, is not where I am. So don’t get me wrong, this sucks, I mean I have an almost 2 yr old daughter, and I have a 13 yr old who has been through enough divorces, I mean she already never wants to get married, (Not because of me, she just doesn’t want kids or a husband, which is cool cause she 13 and doesn’t have a boyfriend… YET) what kind of example am I setting for her? But I am not the one leaving… He is. 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, talks about if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let them depart. I have learned that some people just live like the unbelieving, and therefore you have to treat them as such, or they belong it that category, however I am trying to say it.
To say it doesn’t hurt, that is a lie, but to say I feel so free at this point, I mean, I was so ready for Marriage to be work, but dang… I was willing to fight till the end, and its like, if I am willing to do all of this for the wrong one, imagine what I will do for the right one. It’s kind of like a bruise, or a deep tissue back massage, it hurts so good. Fighting for him, is not worth losing myself. I still believe in marriage, but at this point, it scares me. I have had so much craziness… I know what I need, and if he doesn’t put God first, I will always keep my distance, and not allow myself this again. I am being asked if there is hope for us? My answer is, with God anything is possible, but not if only one has God, You can pray, and have openings, but if no one takes those, what more can you do? How do you build trust when everything you know, was really built on a lie? For now I will work on my relationship with God, and keep my focus on him.