I am not Worthy

Do you ever feel like you are not worthy of Gods love, mercy, and grace? There are so many days when I feel that way, when I wonder if I am good enough. But then I have to remember, God’s love is like a mothers love, he loved us first, and it is unconditional.  1 John 4:19 and Romans 8:38-39 are just a few verses to let us know about his love, and nothing can change that. Matthew 8:5-15, speaks of a soldier who feels he is not worthy for Jesus to come into his home, but he has so much faith in him, that a word from the mouth of the Lord, and his servant should be healed. Healing, it can be a process for most of us, but when Jesus is in the midst of it all, you only need but a word and it is so. This just hit me. So often we think of healing as something that takes time, and in some cases it can. But what about emotional healing? If you truly trust in God, and KNOW that he is enough, and he will protect you, and comfort you, and guide you, then why is there a process to trust again, love again, or to be whole again? 

In verse 8, he says, “I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed.” This man cannot walk, he is “sick of the palsy, grievously tormented.”, Vs 6, and being grievously tormented, can be of the body or of the mind, and just one word can heal him of all that, why can one word, God’s word not heal our pain and suffering? It is because of our faith. In verse 10, Jesus marveled at the faith he has, and vs 13 he was healed because he believed.

What was nice about how this applies in my life, is that after an old friend got on my nerves, and I worked his, (sorry) I spent time in the word this weekend, and in 2 of my favorite verses, Psalms 50:15 and Genesis 15:1, other than feeling a little bad about taking things out on someone who didn’t deserve it much, I have been cool. I really am not concerned with what may happen, I haven’t been hurt like I was. This pain I had, no longer matters, because I know that God is my shield and my exceedingly great reward. He will deliver me, and He sure will get the glory. I am done with tears, I didn’t spend my weekend depressed like I have been for the past, probably few months. This morning when I got into work, someone said that my eyes look much happier than they have been. I played dumb, and was like, but I am happy all of the time, and they said to me, “You smile all the time, but your eyes have looked sad, today they look happy.” I know what they meant, and I just told them, “Well, God is doing some amazing things, what can I say?”

I guess healing is a process, but it doesn’t have to be, with God all things are possible, right? For some people the hardest part has been holding your past against someone else. Every person is different, every job, every boss, heck every day is a new day, you don’t treat it like it was yesterday so why do that because of what someone else has done? I just keep praying for my heart to be focused on God, I will continue to pray for the man that I once gave my heart to, that his heart be on God, but that is all at this point. I do not care much for an outcome of reconciliation, because he is the past and to recover from trust, well lets just say I have tried and failed one too many times. Even though the divorce is not started due to other legal proceedings, I feel it is already over. And I am truly at peace in where I am.


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