It’s a Thin Line Between Love and Hate.

I think the hardest part about going through all that I am going through is that I am used to being married. It’s kind of crazy because at the same time, I am used to sleeping alone for so long, maybe 5 months now? I know that Valentine’s day is coming up, and that honestly is the scariest day of the year for me. I can really only remember ONE good Valentines day. The rest have been thoughtless, telling me here’s $20 go get you some flowers and candy, starting a fight because they do not like the holiday, and it’s not like going out is a big deal for me on that day. Everywhere you go, the food is more expensive, its crowded, but then again, I do like getting dressed up, so there’s that lol. Perfect excuse to look good!!! ANYWAY, let me get back on topic or, get to the point. I am not sure if it is actually him I miss, or the touch of a man’s hand in the small of my back while my head is on his chest listening to his heart beat, or if it’s the companionship, or if it is him. Just him.

Genesis 3:16, states that my desire shall be to my husband. It also is a curse. I desire him, he rules over me. It can be seen as a desire to rule over him, but I know I do not have that desire lol. This almost feels like a curse that he doesn’t want to be with me, and I want him. (Well today is a different day, and I feel okay with him being gone.) However I will say the struggle is real. I only get that the desire means to rule based off of, Genesis 4:7Song of Solomon 7:10, speak of desire, and it is more so in that sense, and the fact that 1 Peter 3:1 and Ephesians 5:21-24, specifically states that we should willingly submit to our own husbands. Why tell us something if it’s already there?

Nonetheless, I do have a desire for him, a wanting. I have standards that if he wanted to be back, he would have to follow. You do not date me, and then marry me and decide you are done catching me now. Then cheat, then leave, while you lie about the cheating that I have more than enough proof on. It is crazy about this desire, but I believe it is to be a wife more than to him, because I like being a wife. I actually enjoy it. But my ideal husband is someone who puts God first, can rule over me effortlessly, puts me 2nd only after God, Can be my best friend,  Make me laugh, help out with the kids and their homework, wanting to help around the house and not just watch me struggle, and I want a joint bank account. I went with someone who only was my best friend, and who showed me they had God, but it was evident, God wasn’t and still isn’t first. I am still praying for his heart. Even after the divorce, I will still pray for his heart. There is nothing I can do to make him be who he isn’t. But continue to be who God want’s me to be as long as we still are legally married.

But what does that look like when you are so far gone, you do not even speak or see each other some days? 1 Peter 3:1-9 is one of my favorite places when it is speaking of a husband and wife. Having “chaste conversation coupled with fear”. It is all on how you speak and how you cat when you are together. This goes to my title. They say there is a thin line between love and hate. I have learned that hate only comes from 2 things, love, or jealousy. Those are the 2 emotions that cause Hate. I have hated him, but it doesn’t mean I have to act on my hate for him. I no longer hate him. I have been able to forgive him, but he doesn’t understand that the past is coming up, because it is current issues still going on. So if you continue to do the same thing, how sorry are you? We can work together, and be friends for my daughter’s sake. I am cool with that. It doesn’t mean I care about certain situations that you now have issues with because of your choices. You made your own bed, now you get to lay down in it. It is not my fault you made it on that bumpy mattress with dirty sheets, instead of the one I already had made for you at home. Even with that being said, How are my actions and reactions being perceived? Are they godly? Are they wise? Another prayer I have is to act only out of love. Because that is who Jesus is. Love is always a selfless act.

1 Corinthians 7:15 says if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. He has already departed. But law says he is still my husband. I have dealt with going back and forth for months now. I just miss feeling wanted for me being me, I guess. Even though our marriage didn’t feel much like that. And now, I swear, it feels like guys don’t even try. It is so easy to not entertain or fall into majority of that temptation, because it really feels like, dudes are only after, “that ONE thing”. So I can sit here and wait so penitently for this to be done, before I even get into anything with anyone else. It is what is right, but it is great when others make it easy for you! LOL

I love how just typing and reading the word, lets me get through things and process them. I do not know who will read my posts. I do not share them with those I know. But, I know I work my problems out. It is like I am just speaking to God of my confusion, and others get to see my thought process. I don’t know. What I do know, is that I am at peace with things. I may feel lonely or whatever, but then God gives me this comfort in knowing who he is in my life. I become cool. He is my shield  and my great reward, as well as my comforter, and he is enough.


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