The things I am going through right now. I finally get over my husband, and he talks to me about working it out. Who does that? I had to accept that he had just moved on, didn’t want me any more, and was better off without me. No lie I prayed that he wasnt having a great time without me, one of those, reap what you sow, kind of situations. While I was still wishing the best for him and praying for his heart for our daughter. For 2 years I have felt like the Israelites in Judges 10:8. Vexed an opressed, shattered and crushed. Not just broken, but shattered into thousands of pieces. My entire marriage was like this. While he was out doing him, I was at home with the children as depression sets in, trying to take care of home, going to work, making things happen for them, not being a team, and not taking care of me. I waiver liie the waves in the ocean in my relationship with Christ. And this morning, it hit me, Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. I know this already, I have written about it, I have tried to make him see it, but I left pieces of my armor at home.
I am not mad about all I have gone through. Pain brings beauty, battle brings peace, tribulation brings patience, and weakness brings strength. 1 Peter 5:10 , Romans 5:3-5 , Psalms 34:19 , Isaiah 53:4 , and Deuteronomy 8:3 are just a few verses you can see how beautiful the struggle can be.
Now, now I need to figure out how to forgive. I know I do, but can I and still be with him? Colossians 3:13 , Matthew 6:14 , Luke 17: 3-4 , Ephesians 4:31-32 , and Isaiah 43:25-26 are some good verses on how I know what I have to do.
How do I forigive all that I know now? I was not crazy, he admitted to at least 5 women he cheated on me with, he also let me know almost all of them have met his mother… Those before me, not a big deal, but those after me… 😯😬 all while he would actually tell me he hated me, how wrong I was for being nosy and checking thr phone bill, if I even asked him IF he has been talking to someone, I am wrong, and now he doesn’t speak to me for 3 days. Lying about where he was for these weekend trips, lets just say its A LOT to take in. Everything that I knew about in the past I ONLY brought up if it was happening again, something that was made present, I didn’t just throw the past up there in his face. There is so much that would need to change for me to do so. Am I perfect? No, but I also know that I have always chosen to follow God. I know that there was nothing I did that would have actually caused him to do what he did to me, I know that women are reactive creatures but Jesus CHOSE to love us, and to love is an action, and I CHOSE to love him. Now there was some times after he left I was being bitter towards him. I wasn’t that way in our togetherness. I didn’t clean up ALL the time, but he did never, we both work full time, I was wrong in asking for help though. All of this I could never talk about because it was a fight, I was wrong in being upset, now hes mad. These are things I just want to work through.
On the other hand, everything in the unseen become seen, the spiritual manifest in the physical, one way or another. I know how great for God we can be together, because God has shown me what COULD be, maybe if I stick in there it is what WILL be. I have been a very forgiving person since I was 18. Maybe even before that. I remember in high school I TRIED to hold a grudge for e whole weeks, that was as long as it lasted. If I am to move past this, I guess now I have to pray for a very forgiving heart.
I am praying for a forgiving heart, for his will to be done in my life, for my husband to truly put God first and for there to be real change. If the change isn’t there and isnt of God, we cannot move forward. My actions need to be that of the wife in 1 Peter 3 where my conversations win him over. I thought I was doing that, but maybe I was not. Being submissive to someone who wants to lead, is extremely easy for me despite what people believe lol. I WANT to be in subjection, because when done right, I know it is the safest place for a woman to be. But how can I submit to someone who’s actions do not show they want to lead, but only get mad because they put me in a place where I feel I have to. I feel, those can be some dangerous words there. A womans feelings were the death of mankind in the garden. I pray to keep my feelings in check as well. I ask all these things in Jesus name, Amen.