Prayer is extremely important in your relationship with Jesus. 1 John 5:14-15 Tells us that whatever we pray for in God’s will, he will hear us, and if he hears us, then he will answer. I have been praying for my husband to be better for our daughter. He is. He is still the same he was for me. However, cannot stand being the bad guy, and in general he isn’t. I mean he isn’t so mean, he has been mean and said mean things, but he’s not in general. We can co-parent just fine, we get along great, and his daughter adores the mess outta him. He just wants there to either be no bad guy, or 2 bad guys. He cannot be to blame for this, he cannot be the one to blame that his daughter has to have 2 households. That is really a shame. Not even that she ever really has to know the reason.
So where I’m at, I am supposed to believe that there is no bad guy. If he does wrong, I am told I am just making him out to be the bad guy, and then he tries to shift blame. As this goes, On Saint Patrick’s day weekend, I didn’t wake up for church. I later find out that the husband came over, and saw some men’s shoes along with some car keys in the living room. As it turns out, my friend, from the 6th grade, stayed the night downstairs with my cousin. However he stayed on her couch. I locked my bedroom door, because when I was going using the restroom, he barged in my room, and I told him go away and where the basement was (because he asked). So the husband comes in, and notices my bedroom door was locked, and even though he went downstairs, he assumed there was a man in my bed. The funny thing is though, is that when my friend left, he opened my door just to say “bye”. Weird enough, my door now was magically unlocked. I can really only assume how that happened.
Because he wasn’t paying him attention, he tells me he wants to move back into the house. It is still “OUR HOME” so there isn’t anything I can do about it. He tells me it is because of money, ironically enough, he just got done telling me 2 weeks prior, that he pays nothing where he is staying. He moves back in, and confirms with my cousin, that it is really to see what is going on in my life, because of what had happened on March 18th. He cleans up the house, but really it is him searching for something that isn’t there. He finds nothing in his search, because there is nothing for him to find. On the bright side, the house is nice and clean, so that is a plus! I confront him about him actually unlocking my door and there not being anyone in there with me, and he has this dumbfounded look on his face, and confirms what I said to be true. So why was he trying to tell my cousin I had someone in bed with me? I have learned, if you just don’t do anything wrong, then there is nothing anyone can find. Honesty is the best way to go. He gets a new phone line with another company, just so that way I can no longer check his phone records. For someone who claims they want to work things out, he was still talking to other women, even after he got a new phone number on his old one. I really only checked up on him at that point, just to see how sincere he was. He tells me he is willing to make changes, but not give up women, which is the number 1 issue, because I won’t give him my all. Which I have done, up until he left back in November, and really I was still doing so shortly after he left because I wanted him back home. So I am supposed to give you my all, before you give up the ladies completely, but you really want things to work, and this is why I was hurt and only AFTER you cheated on me and left me did I start to heal and I gave in and now am ready to give you what you have been asking for? I don’t see how that makes any sense… Now all he wants is for me to change. Change is not a bad thing, but when I look back, how am I supposed to change? I have no desire at all to do so. I have been in a depression, and that is something he doesn’t wish to understand. It wasn’t until recently that I have been coming out of it.
All this time I have been praying for my husband to come home, and to step up and be the man I know he can be, and focus on God, and I thought all else would fall into place. Well I say all this time, but my heat has changed, I didn’t care if he came home, and I just wanted him to be the man of God for our daughter I know he can be. Although I do not doubt the power of prayer, sometimes, just sometimes, you have to see the person move. I believe that he wants to be this perfect guy, who has a family, and lives for God, but its more so, in order so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. The difference is, I do not see him as, “the bad guy”. I see him as lost and misguided. I can forgive him, but he has done nothing in order for me to trust him again. In fact, he has gone out of his way as to get another cell phone, just so I cannot look at what he is doing. So now he is sure that I cannot trust him. After you not only cheat, but take some girl, whom you have told you love, to meet your mother, and still won’t take your wife, then you introduce your daughter to her, and let your daughter stay the night with her and you, then you go to get a new phone, it is really hard to trust again. Forgiveness is easy, when I do not have to take you back. Trust is earned after it is broken to that extent.
At this point I am over the hurt. The depression is over. God is still this Amazing being who is still working on him. It is just taking a while, and I know that whatever time that happens in, it will be a perfect timing. Will I still cry over this? That is very possible. I am very much at peace with this all. Why stay in something toxic or try to make someone stay who doesn’t want to, or doesn’t want to lead by God, or even be with someone you know you cannot forgive the hurt they caused? Now you are in the wrong. I tried to forgive and stay with him, or work things out, but he keeps the women in his life. I saw videos of my daughter at some girls house dated back in Sept, before we even split in November. I saw videos of my husband and daughter with a woman’s voice recording both of them on March 17th, the day before he tried to say I was with someone else, he actually was with someone else. I even got to listen to a blacked out video of some girl giving him head, that was fun! I forgive and then its in my face again. He doesn’t let her go, so I don’t let it go. that is not right. All because I do not put my clothes away, which was something he had agreed he would do lol, I’m just saying lol. And here I was thinking I was the petty one, lol. I can clean the house, but the bedroom is still a mess, so it’s not good enough, I need to change. LOL I laugh but I am being serious.
This is probably more of a rant than anything else. I am just really at peace with where I am in life. I am at peace with ending it. For almost 3 years he hasn’t been faithful, for almost 3 years I have dealt with this, and not talked to anyone, and when I did, I wasn’t fully honest with anyone, because I feel like I can’t really talk to people. All I wanted was someone to have a genuine relationship with him. To reach out and build. If someone is in sin, they are not going to reach out, just like someone in depression. It sucks you in like a black hole, but it makes you comfortable in your comfort. Maybe if I had told someone what was really going on, maybe things had been different. I know he would have spent time with someone who reached out though, and if he would have gotten fed, even if it was spoon fed, force-fed like a baby, he would have gotten what he needed and grown from that. I guess, I don’t know. Hind site right? Too late now because he is still doing what he does. Well I guess you can never say anything is too late for God, and maybe nothing is over until its over. We are over. He reached out to pretend he wanted help, and who knows what he said, but I am sure it was to make sure he didn’t look bad, or not bad alone. I am still praying that he can get his heart right with God, and I need to get mine right with him as well. I have been sick or out-of-town for about the past month, and that has been killing me. And I was off and on for about 2 months before that due to migraines. I have not been consistent. Maybe I am the bad guy, because I came to peace with all of this months ago, and started only praying for him to have his heart right with God and be a good father for our daughter, and he has become a wonderful father for her! I mean his daddy game has stepped up substantially! I will continue to pray for him, and for myself and my children. I need to start praying for my ex-husband and his wife and their heart. That should be a fun road. I need to also always be kind to them. This will be a new journey to go down. I am signing off my soapbox for now.