I am waking up to reality lately, and it is a lot to take in. When you have a gift, and you don’t use it, let’s just say, God has a sense of humor. It’s not always funny either, and most of the time, we do not get the joke until after it’s all said and done. I have had a gift of writing, really, since I can remember. I always did great in elementary school, I would win ribbons for having the best story, or best poem, but I didn’t really pursue it until I was in the 6th grade at age 11. It was after my father told me I was too stupid to become the president, only book writers and lawyers become presidents. I was 10 at that time, and instead of giving in and believing what he said, I told myself I will write books and become a lawyer, even though it really wasn’t my dream to become president, I just wanted to prove him wrong. (It took understanding and forgiveness, but I love my father to this day.)
As time went on, I loved to write poetry and screen plays. I have always had stage fright, and it doesn’t make much sense seeing as it only when it comes to my works. I fell in love with writing. Seeing as writing a book was only a dream to prove someone wrong, I stayed away from that for so many years. Off and on, I would start a book here and there and never finish it. Last summer I was off work for about 3 weeks, and I did a lot of yard work, painted the house, did house work, and I listened to a lot of Tony Evans, he is always my go to for inspiration. I was really focused on God being first. At the risk of sounding crazy, and in the midst of my submission, God spoke to me.
From a believer standpoint, it isn’t crazy at all, but for those that do not believe, I am now labeled a schizophrenic. I am okay with that. It was a conversation about how I need to write. Focus on putting him first, he has always been the center of my writings since about the 8th grade, and I just needed to focus on him, and I will exceed beyond my limits. About 2 weeks after I went back to work, there was a new ministry at work, called the Spoken Word Ministry. It lined up so perfectly, with what he had told me! I was excited to start, and I wrote so much more than I have been writing in the past 3 years. There is always spiritual warfare.
I started to struggle with personal things in my life, and some form of my illnesses would seem always to set in come Sunday morning. The next thing I know, I am not very active. The only thing I continued to write in was my secret blog that I didn’t want to tell anyone about, because it was just too personal. Fast forward to a year later and here I am, another failed marriage, because of fear of seeking help. I am back to square one, because of fear to get up in front of people to share my poetry. I have a blog no one reads, because of fear of people knowing me. Finally yet importantly, I am just now starting on a book again, because of fear of what people would say about what I am going though, and therefore, keeping God at a distance.
It wasn’t until yesterday, I was at church, and my pastor brought up 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Sam, my pastor, had stated that fear is an evil spirit. I thought back to the day before, I was talking to a very close friend of mine, and he had mentioned that he couldn’t believe that I, Sgt Esparza, could ever have stage fright. At that moment, it clicked. I have this evil spirit of fear, and it has been holding me back for so long. Today as I write this, I have made the decision that I will no longer allow fear to control me. Because God, is whom I serve and put first, and fear is not given by him. He gives me the spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind. Now it is time for me to use that power he has given me, and hopefully, empower someone else with my journey. It is time for me to use the love he has given me, and show and spread love to others, because they shall know me by my love. It is time for me to focus on my goals having a sound mind, and making the willful decision to serve him and put him first. Most importantly, it is time for me to cast out fear, and as I write, you will see what I went through to get here, where I am at now as I write, and also where I end up.