I have never loved so hard before. I have never fell for someone so deep as I did him. The hole in my heart, is something I have never had to deal with. Today is the day I do the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and that is let go and pray he comes back to me.
One thing I can say, is that God is really working on some heart issues I have. And his favorite thing to tell me, patience. Rom 5: 3-5 says “we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;” As much tribulation as I have been through, this is , one of, if not the worst. As I write this, I feel my heart breaking even more, I am not sure that is possible. Maybe its the fear that he will never come back. The fear that regardless of what happens, I have lost my best friend. That alone is enough to break anyone’s heart.
I partly did some of this to myself. I was so worried about not losing him, I lost him. I made a few mistakes but nothing that can’t be saved. I think because he was my best friend, it was really easy to be honest with him, about EVERYTHING!!! Even the things that make you uncomfortable, or you think you wouldn’t talk about, or the small things that you tell the little white lie about. It was beautiful. There were some things I probably should have lied about, LOL, but we talked about everything, and if I lie, then I have to keep up with that lie and let’s be honest, I will forget what I lied about. I’m just not good at it LOL. That was one thing I pride myself on, being honest. I should have been more patient.
When I got a message from someone I didn’t know, (after we broke up) I confronted him. He got mad about it… But then the next step was someone creating a profile using my name, and my picture, posting on their page. Here is the funny thing, I just thought about, there was 2 profiles out there with my name and my picture. It was a different picture used than the one that I have on my page. But when they messaged me again, just like the first time, they messaged me, my real page, not the one that posted on their page. So if they really believed that was me, then why did they contact my real page? They knew it wasn’t me. Anyway, I guess none of that matters now.
I may get mad, and I can have a bad temper, I know that. I realize he couldn’t be where he was and to deal with that. I may like watching drama on TV, but I do not like being a part of it at all. I damn sure do not want to be the cause of it. Through all of this, I have really been learning a lot. One thing, is that even though I have worked on controlling my anger for years, I have a long way to go, and a lot of that has to do with my words. The things I can say out of anger, I need to not say. I need to only speak to edify. If I didn’t say such rude or hurtful things out of anger, maybe what was me and wasn’t would have been more evident. If I spoke more edifying words, I wouldn’t be where I am, period. so being silent at times, is something that I need, and I need to say the opposite of what I think. Just like I did eventually in the past with my actions, do the opposite of what I feel, I need to say the opposite.
So that is what I will be doing now, just say kind words, or not speak at all. Just work on a better me. At the end, I want my friend back if nothing else. Someone who is always there for me no matter what, someone I can talk to and tell my day to, maybe that’s asking too much. I just want him happy at the end of it all and if that means I am not around for it, then regardless of the love we share or shared, I must give him what he wants. Because his wants and needs are more important than my own. Had I not been negligent before, my heart wouldn’t be in so many peices. If I could rewind time, how much better would he have it. Not many people are worth fight for, but he is. This battle belongs to the Lord. If I fight it, it will only turn out worse. I have finally learned this lesson that I have repeated like a broken record. I just wish he thought I was worth fighting for. Oh well.
I am only writing to get this out and hope it makes me feel better because this is the hardest. And right now, I am more alone than I have ever been. So all I have is this outlet, and God… Tomorrow will be another day. Along with these other 15 unpublished blogs, I will be writing through all of this. Hopefully with the help of God, I will have the strength to get through it. For when I am weak, he is strong.
I will love you, forever and always.