1 Thessalonians 5:17-22 is the picture I have chosen from my bible. For this whole place that I am at in my life right now, I am praying without ceasing, for my children, I am praying without ceasing, and for this person I happen to love, I am praying without ceasing. I am learning about giving thanks for all of it. The kids are an easy thing to give thanks for, they are awesome! The other 2, as long as I remember that we rejoice in tribulation, it is easy.
I should not be the only one proving all things and holding fast to that which is good, but I can only worry about me. And I have seen the good. I have seen the bad too, and it doesn’t change a thing. The good is beyond worth it, and the bad, its partly my fault for it. No I am not speaking about beating or cheating or anything like that, just some of the issues. I am partly at blame for them. They say the first step is admitting, so here I am, admitting my wrong to strangers who read this. Still a start! LOL
I have started to do this thing a while back, where I take a picture I have, and write a prayer on the back. I have printed out so many! 98% he has given me, the only ones I took were for a gift of a wallet for fathers day last year. That’s neither here or there. But I pray, and lately it is more and more. I remember the happy place when That picture was taken, or the feeling behind it, or the memory, just something positive. Then I am thankful for it. For him. I realize, I started praying for myself more. For me to be a better me. Because in that moment, I may not have been a better me.
I used to do prayer journals, but I lose them and find them all the time, so there will be a huge gap in one journal, because I was writing in another. The cool thing is, I can look back and see where God answered those prayers. Now I want to send a clip of me praying all the time, but I don’t know when is too much, is there too much prayer? When someone doesn’t want you in their life, is them knowing you’re praying for them to much to continue to push them away?
I have so much inside of me, And that’s okay. I just need to focus on the Good, and hold fast and pray on it. I have this cup and inside is the last rose I received, a cork with a screw in it, this silly coin thing from miniature golf, the last note I got from him, and a pic we took from a photo booth. Every time I walk into my room, I remember to pray, heck every time I look over there, I remember to pray! That can be a lot of prayer on the days you are down. I even prayed if I should toss that memory cup, but the answer I got seems to be torture, or maybe God has a sick sense of humor, which I believe, but I got “no, keep it.” Yay me!
I am getting rid of the pictures though. I did pray on that and I am doing exactly what I was told to do with those. I just have been reading over them all one last time before I do what God wants for me to do. I am scared to follow God, but I trust him so I will. I know whatever happens he knows I will be okay. I think it is more the fear of the unknown, not so much the fear of God.
I believe this whole unknown thing, is also an issue I need to work on. It has cost me so much, because I just need to know. This is definitely something God is working on me with, and I just realized, I don’t NEED TO KNOW! Somethings are just in his time, and his time is perfect. Guess I have one more thing to add to my prayer requests. God has never used one person so much in my life to actually fix all of my repeated issues. I have never had anyone in my life worth fixing them for.
If I just worry about what God wants to do with me, and for me, I won’t have to worry about abstaining from all appearances of evil. I believe that is what worked in others favor, when someone tried to make me look like something I am not. It works, because somewhere is the appearance of evil.
I just want to be that good thing to hold fast to. More self reflection, more consideration for those whom I love, more, many more kind words, and many less words said out of anger. A part of me is ready to try this. I want to test it out, LOL, that may be dangerous, but really only if I do not listen to what God has told me I need to fix. I’m ready! LOL! There is about to be some spiritual warfare, but I am ready. At least in these areas.
Once again, this is more for me than for anyone else. He won’t be reading this! Praise God! Since I really am alone, I only have God to talk to, and He is enough. My heart still hurts LOL, but imagine what God feels like when we do him like this?
That is enough for tonight.
I will love you, unconditionally, always and forever…