So much for doing what I want. I had asked if the person I am writing about, had read this Recently. He said he would check it out. I told him he doesn’t have to. As soon as I did that, still small voice tells me I shouldn’t discourage him. This voice that says I am asking the wrong question. This voice that says don’t ask him NOT to read but ask him to. When I did, I was worse than stage fright.

For about 30 minutes I sat at this computer with my hands shaking and my heart pumping. I would love to say, that’s just hunger, but no. It is 150% of all fear. We all know God did not give us the spirit of fear. The only thing sound about the decision to do that was that now that fear is gone. Or maybe that’s a lie, now it’s just a different fear. But now I REALLY do not want to talk to him! I don’t want to send him the prayers either. I will just pray for him like I do all day long, every day anyway.

How do I know its Gods voice? It’s something you just know. I am his sheep and he is my shepherd. John 10:2-5 the sheep know their shepherd’s voice. Here is a video of just that. There are many more just like it, to show you just how true that verse is. I can’t eat at this moment in time. I am such a baby. I don’t even want to share the good I am writing about people, with the ones I am writing about.

I know what it is. It is because I have already pushed him far enough away that, I am afraid, I will push him farther. This is not the only issue in my life, but I do allow it to consume me more than others. If only I could rewind time, but I can’t. I can stand fast in God, and his word, and his promise to me. I can hold fast to that which is good. There is nothing I can do, but dry my eyes and trust in him.

I am not sorry for loving you the way I did or maybe how much I did or do, only fighting for you and with you in my flesh and not in the spirit. My love seems to never die, and never grow old.


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