Romans 5:3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 5:4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

After all I have been through, you would think I would be a master of patience. I have been through more than most people would go through in 3 lifetimes, and I still want what I want when I want it. For me I think it is more of, uncertainty that bothers me, and the waiting for the outcome of whatever. Not so much me wanting things to happen right now, but me wanting to know right now. I have waited so long for things that will never happen, or things that never did happen.

The problem is having expectations. Those can be dangerous I have learned. It stops you from living in the moment and missing whats right in front of you. You are expecting, instead of just being, and if you just be, you will probably get your expectations.

Where I feel I am is like a black tunnel, darkness all around, I can see the tiny light where I came in, but it is fading away as I get deeper and deeper searching for the way out. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. How much more appreciative I will be, when I see the light again.

I need this time. I need to be patient. I need to learn to love the good, appreciate what I have and not want more. Even if all I get is a friendship, I want the one we used to have. right now we have nothing. That hurts to the core. In my search for the truth, I got it, but it wasn’t the truth in love. I was fighting in the flesh and not allowing God to fight for me. He can do anything, and I can only do the impossible with him, in him, and through him.

I just need to pray I can focus on what I need to. The changes I am going through, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I am always praying for his heart. I need to be praying for mine, just as much as I do him. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others right?

I need to breath again.

Always and forever…


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