I feel like I should just not pray, I should not speak, I should not do anything when it comes to him. Like nothing. The more I pray, the more I pray for his heart… In every way possible. It is like torture. The more I pray, the more I want to pray for him. The more I pray for myself. The more I pray for his kids, his family. The more important he becomes to me.

I know the purpose of this blog initially was to be 100% transparent with strangers. But really being 100% real with God, and with myself. There is one thing I cannot write about. Not yet anyway. And I am not sure how to pray about it. I want everything to be okay. The beauty of creating out of love, is only more love can grow. If only I wasn’t speaking in riddles right now LOL.

When I wanted to let him be, he wouldn’t let me, and now I don’t want to, he gets to. Its so unfair. But life, isn’t fair. Pain and hurt aren’t fair. They just suck and you just need to suck it up, because what can you do?

This is just a a venting post. This is my feeling so much of the time. At the end of the day, I will continue to pray for him. And I will be there shall he need a friend. I tried to do everything wrong, Knowing it was wrong… but I cant be that way. I will be alright, eventually. It’s just taking a lot longer than I thought it would. Maybe because I have never encountered this before. God just heal me already! Give me my friend back! Be my comfort, something!


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