Today is one of those days you find it hard to get over. You wonder why your love wasn’t enough. You wonder how is it possible for you to be so amazing, but yet so unwanted. These are the things I am not supposed to think on, but I am. This is a post I just need to write to get this off my chest.
It is becoming easier and easier to pray and fast, because my appetite is almost non-existent. Its crazy how much one person can affect you. They say don’t give anyone that kind of power over you, but when you truly love someone, that is a part of that love. It is a gift that you give someone. Now what they do with that gift, is entirely up to them, but it is a gift, of power that you shift from yourself to them. Even God has given us that power towards him. You think he doesn’t feel anything by us not loving him?
In the book of Hosea, you have a prophet of the Lord who is commanded to marry a prostitute. And he did as he was asked. You would wonder why would God give him someone he knew could cause so much pain? First, understand that Hosea’s name means salvation. Second, understand this is an allegory of Gods love for us. When we decide something is more important than God, we idolize them, and the pain is equivalent to the unfaithfulness of someone who has been cheated on. If you have been following me, then you know I know all too well about that! LOL.
He married a prostitute, knowing exactly who she was. I have no doubt he was hoping she would change, but she stayed a whore. God loves us in spite of the hurt we cause him. I have been Hosea, in a literal sense, and in a way, I have been Gomer. I know I have been Gomer towards God, but even still, when I put myself in front of the one I love, that is Gomer. I don’t mean you decided to take care of yourself for a change, or you decided to pay something instead of buy something. I mean MY wants, MY feelings, in front of theirs. My wants and feelings, in front of Gods. My own selfish desires in front of others.
I just need to eat something. I need to sleep sometime. I need to not be so focused on the things I cannot change… For once I would like to go to sleep without wiping my eyes first. I am praying, oh how I am praying. I am crying out to the Lord, and he knows my deal. I just have to remember to keep it 100 with him. At this point, I don’t know anyone else I can be this real with. I can’t talk to the ONE person I wish I could. And even if I did, would I tell him all of this? No. I would keep this all in, because I just want my friend back. I mean yes I want so much more, but I need my friend back. I have lost that, and I am never getting that back.
With Christ all things are possible. It would take a miracle for that to happen. So whatever happens, I know it is God.
Can’t stop loving you…