Is there such a thing; To be content with being alone, to be content with being enough for yourself, and to not feel the need to have to have anyone else? There is! One day, I want something beautiful again, I want something right. I do want to be married again, I want to be a wife, I want to have someone, whom I can comfort, and be there for, and hopefully they can be there for me as well! (That’s always the plan right? LOL) I am stubborn and hardheaded and it took me a lot to be at peace and HAPPY with where I am.
I have always been pretty much, a relationship type person. I am someone who builds relationships withe people, and once you become one of my people, no matter what, I will be there for you. I do have to set limits and boundaries with some people, but for the most part, no matter what you do, I will always be there. That can set you up to easily get hurt, fortunately for them, I am a very forgiving person. I am also one who needs forgiveness at times. Once I have love for you, my love is unconditional. I can love you through anything. I have to have enough self-worth to know, sometimes love comes from a distance.
When I love, I love hard, and I know this. Not every one is deserving of my love. It doesn’t mean they won’t get it, but there is a certain level of me they will get. I want love. I want unconditional love, and a person, a companion, has yet to be able to give that to me. I thought I had found someone, but in finding them, I lost sight of our friendship, and allowed insecurities to creep in. Some of them were real, what I saw, was what it was, I wasn’t out of my mind, but lets just say, sugar coating things, isn’t how I understand them!
I am still in love, More than I have ever been. I do not speak to that person much at all, and I lost that friendship that I want back very much. But I am at peace. I do not have a wanting to be back with them, nor anyone, I really believe that God is enough for me, and I am enough all on my own. I am broken, and being broken can cause you to break others and that is one thing I do not want to do, because whatever relationship I have with that person, will become tainted.
I am in love, and I am happy, I am alone, and I am happy. I am free. All of the pain I have been though, by giving them the power to hurt me, by giving them all of me, and coming through it all, has given me a different perspective on God and his love for us. In Hosea Chapter 1 & chapter 3, God has Hosea marry a prostitute. That is just what we are to God, and he still loves us just the same. We are that adulterous nation, always looking for something better, and always finding something wrong, and never being satisfied with what is right in front of us. Always wanting more and never finding it. It took a lot to get me here, but I finally have had enough of whoring out my emotions, whoring out pieces of my soul, my mind, my body, and just know that I am good, where I am in life.
I don’t know what I could possibly tell you, that you can do, to get you to this point in your life, I needed to go through hell and high water to get here. I do not listen, I am stubborn, extremely hard-headed and it took the same lessons over and over, for me to learn. A lesson not learned, is a lesson repeated. Prayer, and peace in the midst of chaos.