Can I Find peace

I do not even know how to start this out. The morning I lost my child, I got a message from me in my Facebook messages. It clearly wasn’t really me, but for a few months, I have been popping up with new pages, they have tried to add some of my friends, some of my friends have searched for me and found additional pages, etc. It has been a lot on me, since extra pages of me, is partly what cost me, love. Secondly, my reaction to it I am sure. Even thinking about it is making my stomach turn and my body shakes at this moment.

I felt calm throughout the day. After receiving a message telling me I need to stop the lies,  and what the father and I had was not real, I continued to work and take my mind off of it. Instead of writing, I tried watching some Amazon shows, just so I could go to another place. For the most part, it worked. I already was dealing with high blood pressure, and we still do not know why, but now that I have lost the child, I am back to healthy numbers.

Later that night I was on the phone talking about the food I needed to meal prep for Sunday, as there is someone I meal prep for, so they get the food, and I cook the food, and we eat the food. LOL pretty simple. While on the phone, I fell. I didn’t know what it would be like to have a stroke and feel helpless, but that is where I was. Thank God I was on the phone as that is probably what saved me. They came rushing over to the house and took me to the hospital.

The stroke killed my daughter. I feel the guilt that it was my fault. My fault for having emotions, for planning food, for being in my body, my fault for getting pregnant in the first place and knowing I wasn’t supposed to. My fault for my relationship ending, as I know that played a part in my stress level, and not speaking to her father daily. My fault because I malfunctioned. My heart is breaking as I am writing this. Tears are flowing from my eyes, but I feel this is important to get out.

I am broken…

I had had miscarriages before, but never where the baby was just a tiny baby formed, and beautiful. Where hours before she could hear my voice, I could feel her flutters, and I knew she was there. I didn’t get to know her, but just to feel her, I have lost a child. I was far enough along; I had to get her cremated. I hate talking about it with her father, and just having to do it period. I hate looking up things to do with the ashes, because a part of me doesn’t want to do anything, because I don’t want to let her go, but then the beauty of what you can do now, I can keep her with me always.

I try to focus on the positive. It is hard to find. Even harder as the more I pray, the more I see her father in my future, the more I pray, the more I want to cry, the more I pray, the colder I get, the more I pray, the more love I seem to feel for them both, and it hurts.

But somehow, it brings me peace…

Grieving a loved one sucks. Hopefully, in time, the love lost will bring love anew. Whatever that may mean.

At this moment in time…

I am broken, but I am at peace…

 

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