Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. The key word is “ALL”. That includes, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes its hard to see past all the bad when you do not know the reason behind it.
I try to rationalize, to focus on the good of losing a child, even if it is a miscarriage. It hurts after you feel life and then there is no more life. You second guess what have you been doing, could you have done something differently, could I have changed the outcome? The answer for me, is no. Not to my knowledge. The doctors said there was nothing to be done.
It doesn’t change the fact that for now, I somehow feel responsible for not being able to carry full term. It was my body that malfunctioned. I try to think about how crazy I got when I found out. How mean I got to her father. Some of the things I do regret saying such as the infamous, “I hate you!” I wish him nothing but the best. It just sucks when you lose your best friend, love, and child within a span of about 4 months.
But I thank God for the loss. 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18 In all things give thanks, rejoice evermore, and pray without ceasing. I am thankful and not because I am rationalizing how it would have put a strain on me, I would have figured something out, but I know that regardless of what happens, I know how much I have grown in this short period of time. I know there was something I needed to get past, and I could only do it being alone.
All I can do is pray for my best friend, whom I love and lost in a relationship, and the more I pray, the more I feel closer without talking to him. The more I free myself of the pain. The easier it is to move on and still love. The greatest mistake I have ever made, was to love that man unconditionally. I only wish I could have loved him better, proper, and more according to the word of God. Something I could only learn being alone with God, in a broken place with a broken heart.
Losing a child on top of that, only helped open my eyes to God’s love even more. The same thing that will bring you to God, will also have you turn away. My prayer life needed life, and through death, got more life than I ever thought possible.
Thank you for this loss. One day I will be happy when I say that, until then, I will keep saying it, and meaning it, and wait for the meaning behind it.