I am not Worthy

Do you ever feel like you are not worthy of Gods love, mercy, and grace? There are so many days when I feel that way, when I wonder if I am good enough. But then I have to remember, God’s love is like a mothers love, he loved us first, and it is unconditional.  1 John 4:19 and Romans 8:38-39 are just a few verses to let us know about his love, and nothing can change that. Matthew 8:5-15, speaks of a soldier who feels he is not worthy for Jesus to come into his home, but he has so much faith in him, that a word from the mouth of the Lord, and his servant should be healed. Healing, it can be a process for most of us, but when Jesus is in the midst of it all, you only need but a word and it is so. This just hit me. So often we think of healing as something that takes time, and in some cases it can. But what about emotional healing? If you truly trust in God, and KNOW that he is enough, and he will protect you, and comfort you, and guide you, then why is there a process to trust again, love again, or to be whole again?  Continue reading

Hindsight is 20/20

I have been going through this longer than May of 2016, because I was using another blog before that. Just so I can write into oblivion where no one knows me, and my feelings and prayers can go out into the open space where the reality is only 1’s and 0’s, not as the perception we want it to be. I deleted some, because I felt I may have been too harsh, and it wasn’t with a loving heart. Even in the post, I hate him, was with love. It was coming from a place of hurt, but it was with love, so much love. I have tried and tried, and we only got married on July 2, 2015. Only a few months after we were married, things changed. Found emails between him and another, the lies about where he was going, but for once in my life, I felt helpless as I was pregnant, and had to stop working. I needed him. But above all I loved him. I was in love with him, because he was truly the very first man who has seen all of me. He saw how I grew up first hand, What I went through, He saw the most inner parts of me, and I allowed myself to open up, because I believe what marriage is supposed to be. I believe in the union of two people becoming one, I believe in hanging in through sickness and health till death do you part. I was lead to believe, he believed the same.  Continue reading

I Pray, I Pray, and I Pray…

1 Thessalonians 5:15-18,22

15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.16 Rejoice evermore. 17 Pray without ceasing.18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you… 21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

This just gave me so much peace to read. All that I have or have not been doing right or wrong, it doesn’t really matter, because at the end of the day God has the final say. What I was doing, was, I wasn’t letting go, and letting God, and this past weekend, I let go. I stopped worrying, and stopped caring, and all of a sudden… I felt so free!  Continue reading

Comfort in Friendships

I got a message from a friend I have had for over a decade today, and it made me feel better. I was feeling down, because it seems like, no matter what I do, it’s never good enough for my husband. I didn’t talk bad about him, I just told him well I’m not doing well because I think I will be divorced soon. I don’t feel everyone needs to know what is really going on. I do not wish to bad talk him, this is the father of my youngest daughter, and he is still my husband until he is not. From a biblical stand point on marriage. So my friend hits me up and asks how am I doing, and of course not well. This is a friend of mine that has lived in Florida forever, and I am in the Midwest somewhere, so we are not close at all. You do not have to be to be friends, but as I tell him that I am not doing well, he goes on to say somethings that are rather shocking to me.  Continue reading

Broken

There are things that I do not fully understand. That is fine, that is sometimes the way things are. We cannot see them for what they are because we are blinded for what we want them to be. At the same time, when we rebel against God, sometimes things do not work out the way we want them to. Everyone can say that they love God, but the moment you serve him, that’s a different story. I think I am at a breaking point. I have not been consistent in prayer, and not that, that automatically means God will not do right by me, no, but I feel that I have failed. On the other hand, I cannot make someone serve the Lord who doesn’t want to. James chapter 2 really goes into detail about faith without works being dead. It’s just like when someone uses the word love, but has no actions to back it up. As I re-learned love, I learned through Jesus, that love is ALWAYS a selfless act. Regardless of how you feel, you can still choose to love someone.  Continue reading

I am Bothered

I guess someone can only be unbothered for so long before they are bothered by the one who is suppose to love and protect them. A heart can only break so many times before it is shattered into a million pieces and like humpty dumpty, cannot be put together again. Is it my fault because prayer for him has become inconsistent? Is it my fault because some days I hate him even though I do not show him anything but love??

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HOW?

It’s really hard to write, when you feel like your best friend could be reading your every word. So I stopped for a while. God is telling me, “write, write, write.” So, here I am, back on it. I have to listen to him, because even though I may be writing with my spoken word, I am not fully obeying him, and partial obedience is still disobedience to God. Partial obedience killed King Saul. In 1 Sam chapter 15, I see three things: Continue reading