BROKEN

I don’t know how I have done this for so long. I look back at my prayers and they are still the same. Its like I wonder if God is moving at all?????!!!! I ask him if he loves and cares for me and he says yes, so I ask, why don’t you love me then? Just love me… I don’t get it… I cant keep going on like t his for now. I almost left him tonight but I cant bring myself to do that just yet. He can spend all day texting and entertaining other people. he can entertain them, but when I try hes so damn dry with me. I cant do anything right it seems… I can just be a good mother… I have allowed this hurt to go on and on and on, and somethings gotta give.

I have been divorced 2x already, and I don’t want to have a 3rd. but I cant do anything anymore. Nothing… I give up… I quit…

as I type these words I hear a still small voice in my head saying, “don’t the time hasn’t come” what does that even mean tho?? God you know I cannot keep on not like this… I was ready to go to my dads tonight, but he told me I’m not taking his daughter… and that made me stop and talk to him…

we haven’t slept together in months, only once this year and its about to be the 4th month of the year… we talk, he’s always changing the subject when I try to talk about us.. instead of answering me… he tries to play it off… and its like he’s my best friend but that’s it… no romance at all…

I hate where I am in my life… I cant keep doing this to myself, and this is no state to be in… I have no one to talk to, and I am all alone… I cant talk to my friends because I don’t want him to look bad. I cant talk to the counselor because I don’t want him to look bad either, and I know them personally… I don’t know what to do or where to start with all this, and I guess that’s why I have this anonymous blog.

What better way to be anonymous than to have the most plane Jane doe name for a blog? I can give the best advise, but not to myself. I guess God has plans, but Idk how much longer I can really wait.

I have never prayed for anyone the way I pray for him. not my friends, or my family, or any other husband before, and I have seen the least amount of answers from God with this one. I’m just here… waiting on God… oh well…

It’s been a while

It has been a while since I have posted. I am sure you can see the date of my last post, and you can see that it’s been about a year. That doesn’t mean it has been all perfect, or that I just forgot to post the bad, but it has been a little of both!

This year is looking better than last, which is a great thing! Right now, I just feel I am running in place, and not going very far. I am bored in our marriage, and he doesn’t care. That is frustrating to say the least. I want to go on dates, I want to go on trips, I want to do stuff together. We just keep doing stuff separately instead. I do not like division in my own home.

It is March 20, 2017, and since we have woken up on January 1st, we have had sex 1 time, and it was NOT enjoyable. It’s so hard to get into it when he doesn’t want it. When I tell you that I do not look sloppy or anything, I really mean that. I could be smaller, I was only 15 lbs less when I got pregnant, so It’s not like I have a long way to go.

But what do you do when you are not in love? I am going through the motions, I am trying, but, he isn’t. It’s so weird, he is my best friend, and I don’t want to let him go, but I am just here living with my best friend, who keeps distant from me. Maybe I am obsessed with him loving me like Christ loved the church, and I KNOW what that looks like. So, when I see that NOT happening, not even some of the time, let alone most of the time, it is really hard to accept.

I haven’t been praying for him, just living day by day, I haven’t been in the word, not even alone, until about a week ago, that seemed so hard to get back into it. I feel like God is keeping things the way they are because I need to continue in prayer. I know some of you may be reading this thinking I am stupid. But, when I am in need of him, and I am praying for my husband, MANNNNNN, let me tell you how amazing things are! They are so different, I can hardly explain.

When we don’t have a need for God we tend to leave him behind. I am not mad at God for reminding me I cannot do it alone. If him and I end up divorcing, then so be it. I know God has a plan. I do not want divorce at all. That is the last thing I do want. But if things come to light and it doesn’t work, then what can I do?

I have learned a hard lesson. You CANNOT control what other people do, only how you react to what others do. It is something I still struggle with every day.

These are just my thoughts, and what is running through my head. As you can tell, I do not even have much to say. I may have 10 people reading this in my life time, and that is ok with me. But if you are one of those 10, and you are going through something, just know… You are not alone. Your situation isn’t as unique as you thought it was. There are so many people that need to hear your story, even if its little, maybe sharing can be the way that you hear what you need to. I am praying for you right now, even though I do not know you. I can’t say if it will be okay or not, but I know it will be alright in the end. I can help you share your story if you want, and post it from here, and let others comment. Share it with your friends, the whole page and let others read my pain, and if my chance they see yours and can have a few words of comfort, then every little bit helps. Maybe no one will ever read this, but the point is you shared it with someone. You let it out and are not holding on so tight to that burden any longer. As women we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. It will all work itself out.

 

 

Fasting for your spouse

use to “fast” from Facebook, TV, games, or any other time consuming entertainment, and I never really grew spiritually when I did. I know that sometimes stepping away from those things are needed. But as I study fasting in the bible, I learn that fasting is ALWAYS about food and/or drink. NEVER about anything else. I also have never grown more spiritually in my relationship with Christ as I have with a biblical fast. I guess that’s what happens when you truly go back to bible basics and seeing what the Word says about these things.

Have you tried fasting and praying for the one you love? The person you said “I do” to, “for better or for worse”. You vowed to stand by their side no matter what, but as soon as it gets hard we’re ready to give up. If you are going through struggles and ready to call it quits, I urge you to fast and pray for 21 days, just 3 weeks. You can fast from your morning coffee, that sweet treat you love to eat, a full meal, maybe even meat or a combination of those items. Pray daily for how you FEEL and what you want especially if it lines up with God’s will. I challenge you to do that. See if you’re still ready to give up at the end of it.

Matthew 4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

If you put as much prayer in your spouse and faith in God as you do food in your face, I guarantee you will see a difference.

Your prayer can be as simple as to not hate your husband, to be a better wife and be the wifey role you auditioned for, for him to love you as Christ loves the church, for your focus to be on the Lord, both of you.

Taste and see the Lord is good…

Women are an emotional mess!!!!

I am looking at the few blogs that I have written so far. Man, am I up and down! Yes I do believe my postpartum plays a role, but even still, that’s how God created us to be.

Today I love my husband! Lol!

Not everyday does he make it so easy. Those days I have to chose to love him. Playing my wifey  role with no complaints and with joy in my heart knowing that it is pleasing to God can be challenging. Knowing I am not alone makes it easier.

I have learned some of us have petty husbands, block us from Facebook, unfollow you on other social media sites, do and say things that hurt your feelings, and for what? Because they’re petty! Others have ditzy ones who don’t realize their laziness, and lack of compliments hurts your feelings. You have the uninterested ones as well, that only care about sports and beer, not you. That’s just funny to me because I hear all the jokes about women not wanting sex after marriage, but I hear from all these women about the husband not giving up the booty.

In 1Cor chapter 7 speaks on how your body isn’t your own and how you should not deny one another. Women, do not withhold from your HUSBAND! MEN GIVE YOUR WIFE THE D! A little public service announcement.

Just know that whatever struggle you are going through in your marriage, you are not alone! There are so many others going through what you are, and just giving up. Have you prayed for your husband today? Have you been doing wifey duties lately? Whatever that may be in your home. Have you been unpetty back? Have you even tried to give him some when you haven’t been getting any?

There are real problems that women deal with. Have you tried to talk about them? And have you listened to your spouse?

Pray for your spouse today. Be real with God about everything and what you want. If you sugar coat it with God, how will you ever get what you want?

How unhappy can one be?

And how blind is the other? I am unhappy but it doesn’t mean I will treat my spouse that way. My focus is on him and it needs to shift back onto God. I will be doing a modified Daniel fast starting on the 1st of May. New month new beginnings and I will be praying for him and us. We haven’t been to church in a few months due to a new baby, a sick baby, my mother passing away and work. But the 1st I get a brand new set schedule and I cannot wait to start!

I’m not even sure if I am unbappy or just feel unwanted at this point. I forgot how much having a baby can change you!

Tired, unattractive, attention shifts to the baby….

I am unhappy. He plays a role in it, but I cannot let someone else control my mood… don’t we do that all too often? I think we do. Somethings gotta give… and the only thing that really works for me… prayer… even when it doesn’t seem to work, it has a way of working. When there’s no one to talk to, I’ve got a lonely blog to write on… a place that no one knows exists. And all my thoughts just go out into the universe. But I really wish I had a person I could feel comfortable enough to open up to. Maybe one day.

I hate him

I hate him i hate him i hate him… some days its worse than being married to my 1st ex. But I don’t wanna hate him. The old me would just find someone who would appreciate me… but the grass isn’t always greener. And on top of that… I am not willing to take a chance on my marriage because I don’t wanna be the one to mess up… hes not my boyfriend anymore… hes my husband… my thoughts are wandering but God needs to be enough for me right now…

Sometines I feel I need more from God… like now… he is my shield and my great reward… and times when I am not getting what I need from my husband i need it from God… we are not perfect so how can I expect my husband to be?

God how can i expect my husband to feel love for me, when I don’t geel it for him? Why is marriage so hard? I nean we’re still in the first year… this should be honeymoon stages… but its not… its almost like hebhates me for getting pregnant… but then he loves his daughter and doesn’t regret her so i really don’t get it…. i want you to be enough not just for me… but for him… for him to make the choice to follow you with his heart and not just the motions… i want you to change my heart attitude towards my husband because hating him is wrong…. if i didn’t want so badly to be right with you i would have left him already… but ur worth being right with.. and thats all I want Lord… help me thru this depression I am feeling… maybe if I wasn’t stuck at home with the kid I would feel better… maybe I just need to get out… but as the mom I am the responsible one. By default… it always seems that way… things just seem so off God and I am asking that you fix them… not me… I realize I can’t fix them… I have tried and failed and I need you to take control… i need you to… I am asking you to. I pray these things in Jesus name..Amen.

A man who doesn’t want head????

Ok for real, what man doesn’t want head? Yes I am pretty good at it. This is my husband, we’ve barley had sex in months because i was pregnant… now I am not, but we have a 2 week old.

Women you know clearly i am not having sex but why can’t i just please my husband? We’re not supposed to deny each other. But yet he continues… This is not helping this bs postpartum either… I don’t even look like i just had a baby… but yet here I am.. feeling like crap…

God I don’t know what needs to happen, but you do… this is not going to work for me… so I am really asking for you to do whatever needs to be done… cause at this point I am just not happy with this man… I know that my happiness doesn’t come from him and I eed u to remind me of that. Hes not even horrible… I just seem to be liking him less and less each day. I don’t want to be going thru the motions… i want it to be real… for both of us. Lord i need guidance and for him to change something… hes not who i married lately… and this has been going on for months… how long does this need to last for?