Outside of always having stage fright as far back as I can remember, this is the stage in my life where I allowed the foothold for the devil to creep in. I got married and pregnant all about the same time in my life, and as that happened, my husband at the time, was not so excited for it. We made the choice to get pregnant together, but honestly, I didn’t believe it would really be possible, and he knew that as well. I had a high-risk pregnancy with my first daughter, 2 miscarriages, and a doctor tell me that being able to carry a child to full term, just wouldn’t be in the cards for me. Having my beautiful baby girl, now 2 years later, you can see just how wrong he was. I married a ladies man. Which was hard to believe, because he is the nerdy type, always gaming, but he did ride motorcycles. Continue reading
Prayer is extremely important in your relationship with Jesus. 1 John 5:14-15 Tells us that whatever we pray for in God’s will, he will hear us, and if he hears us, then he will answer. I have been praying for my husband to be better for our daughter. He is. He is still the same he was for me. However, cannot stand being the bad guy, and in general he isn’t. I mean he isn’t so mean, he has been mean and said mean things, but he’s not in general. We can co-parent just fine, we get along great, and his daughter adores the mess outta him. He just wants there to either be no bad guy, or 2 bad guys. He cannot be to blame for this, he cannot be the one to blame that his daughter has to have 2 households. That is really a shame. Not even that she ever really has to know the reason. Continue reading
The things I am going through right now. I finally get over my husband, and he talks to me about working it out. Who does that? I had to accept that he had just moved on, didn’t want me any more, and was better off without me. No lie I prayed that he wasnt having a great time without me, one of those, reap what you sow, kind of situations. While I was still wishing the best for him and praying for his heart for our daughter. For 2 years I have felt like the Israelites in Judges 10:8. Vexed an opressed, shattered and crushed. Not just broken, but shattered into thousands of pieces. My entire marriage was like this. While he was out doing him, I was at home with the children as depression sets in, trying to take care of home, going to work, making things happen for them, not being a team, and not taking care of me. I waiver liie the waves in the ocean in my relationship with Christ. And this morning, it hit me, Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. I know this already, I have written about it, I have tried to make him see it, but I left pieces of my armor at home.
I think the hardest part about going through all that I am going through is that I am used to being married. It’s kind of crazy because at the same time, I am used to sleeping alone for so long, maybe 5 months now? I know that Valentine’s day is coming up, and that honestly is the scariest day of the year for me. I can really only remember ONE good Valentines day. The rest have been thoughtless, telling me here’s $20 go get you some flowers and candy, starting a fight because they do not like the holiday, and it’s not like going out is a big deal for me on that day. Everywhere you go, the food is more expensive, its crowded, but then again, I do like getting dressed up, so there’s that lol. Perfect excuse to look good!!! ANYWAY, let me get back on topic or, get to the point. I am not sure if it is actually him I miss, or the touch of a man’s hand in the small of my back while my head is on his chest listening to his heart beat, or if it’s the companionship, or if it is him. Just him.
Temptation sneaks up upon us like a Marine sneaking up the stream. You don’t realize it’s there, until shots are fired and it’s too late. Sometimes it is partially planned, but in reality, you think you can hold back. You know you can, but when it is in your face, you no longer can resist the feeling that is in your most inner parts. Genesis 3 is a lot to swallow! It is the first time you see temptation, and you see how emotion and confusion allows for temptation to creep in. Also, how easy it is to twist the word of God. Whats crazy is, if she would have eaten the other tree, she would have had everlasting life (Genesis 3:22), knowing good and evil, AND living forever. If you see the history of mankind, that just doesn’t seem like a great mix, LOL. I guess it seems you can only have one or the other. Which makes sense as to why Jesus had to die on the cross for our sins, and only he can separate, our flesh from our sins, and give us everlasting life. Continue reading
Do you ever feel like you are not worthy of Gods love, mercy, and grace? There are so many days when I feel that way, when I wonder if I am good enough. But then I have to remember, God’s love is like a mothers love, he loved us first, and it is unconditional. 1 John 4:19 and Romans 8:38-39 are just a few verses to let us know about his love, and nothing can change that. Matthew 8:5-15, speaks of a soldier who feels he is not worthy for Jesus to come into his home, but he has so much faith in him, that a word from the mouth of the Lord, and his servant should be healed. Healing, it can be a process for most of us, but when Jesus is in the midst of it all, you only need but a word and it is so. This just hit me. So often we think of healing as something that takes time, and in some cases it can. But what about emotional healing? If you truly trust in God, and KNOW that he is enough, and he will protect you, and comfort you, and guide you, then why is there a process to trust again, love again, or to be whole again? Continue reading
I have been going through this longer than May of 2016, because I was using another blog before that. Just so I can write into oblivion where no one knows me, and my feelings and prayers can go out into the open space where the reality is only 1’s and 0’s, not as the perception we want it to be. I deleted some, because I felt I may have been too harsh, and it wasn’t with a loving heart. Even in the post, I hate him, was with love. It was coming from a place of hurt, but it was with love, so much love. I have tried and tried, and we only got married on July 2, 2015. Only a few months after we were married, things changed. Found emails between him and another, the lies about where he was going, but for once in my life, I felt helpless as I was pregnant, and had to stop working. I needed him. But above all I loved him. I was in love with him, because he was truly the very first man who has seen all of me. He saw how I grew up first hand, What I went through, He saw the most inner parts of me, and I allowed myself to open up, because I believe what marriage is supposed to be. I believe in the union of two people becoming one, I believe in hanging in through sickness and health till death do you part. I was lead to believe, he believed the same. Continue reading