I have a 6th sense!

Oh my here I go sounding like a crazy lady! But I am suppose to be a Christian I cannot be a Psychic! WHUUUUUUUT!!!! See that’s not even what I said! LOL! I said I have a 6th sense. I can see beyond the 5th, beyond taste, touch, sight, hearing, and smell, and at times it drives me crazy! I just want those closest to me to be able to see what I see. Its like that song, do you see what I see? NO they don’t!!! LOL

Ephesians 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Basically, everything that happens in this world isn’t about the physical. Yes we may see it that way. It may manifest itself in physical form, but it is not physical, it has a spiritual root per se. That can be good or bad. I skipped a day of prayer, first it was by accident, or by spiritual battle, I got up and got on Facebook and started looking at videos, and next thing you know I am on snap chat, and then I am up looking at TV. Continue reading

One Sided Relationship

Well I pray all the time…

God knows my heart…

I don’t have to go to church to have a relationship with God…

Ok well how often do you read the word of God? Oh He talks to me when I pray.

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Matthew 16:18 

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.
First, Jesus said lip service is a no-go, and that’s not good enough. Secondly, because in that same verse, he knows your heart and its far from him, but in vain you worship him. Also in prayer, you use vain repetitions, as the heathen do, just saying it over and over, and thinking you will be heard for your much speaking, yeah nope, he wont hear you, that’s not how this thing works buddy. On top of God knowing your heart, he knows its deceitful above ALL things, and desperately wicked, oh but he knows it, but yet…. Who can know it? In away, in Luke, I can, because it states that your heart will produce what is inside of it. The good treasure of the heart will produce, good, and the bad treasure will produce bad, for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. So you will also speak much of what is in your heart. Third, You don’t have to go to a church, Okay… Keep in mind that was Jesus talking when he said to Peter, upon this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it, and keep in mind that was BEFORE this man overcame death. So how much more do you think he can over come, AFTER he overcomes death?
 Matthew 18:20 For here two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. That is pretty much church right there.It has grown and is much larger but lean not unto your own understanding. leaning to your own understanding, sounds like an idiot to me. In all thy was acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. So you don’t even know what HIS word says, but he speaks to you? For all you know those could be the whisperer of the devil, You clearly have no walk with the Lord and you expect him to answer your prayers?? Well what am I getting at?

Continue reading

How do I remain unbotherd?

This morning as I pray, I really do pray happily. Most mornings I am joyful when I pray. Some of the time I am in tears, as you can tell by my prior, inconsistent post. But the truth is, all the time in between, its because I am not really crying upon the Lord. That is an issue because it seems I become inconstant in prayer. When I become too inconsistent, the Lord gives me something to pray about. Some of you may be thinking, “what a horrible God that he would let your husband be such a bad man, or you seem so wonderful, how could he let this happen” LOL. Yeah but compared to Jesus none of us are good. Compare me to someone who lies daily, or Jeffrey Dahmer and I am a saint!! Yes! But in reality, we all fall short the glory of God right? Rom 3:23

I have never prayed for a husband like I have prayed for this one. The last one I had was the sweetest man ever, gave me everything I could have ever asked for, back rubs every night, I could do whatever I wanted, but he was jealous and when he drank he got physical, and one day he tried to kill me. I gave him an option, Alcohol or me, and he chose alcohol. And even after  he chose that, he still broke into my house and tried to kill me one last time before he gave me the divorce. I forgave him, and we made peace. Had I prayed for him, who knows, maybe he would have chose me, and he could have been the sober man all the time. I fell short in that marriage because I did not do what I was suppose to as a wife.

So this time around, yes, I can leave him, Yes when he talks about divorce, sure I can let it happen, Continue reading

When you pray in Gods will, How can he deny you?

Lord I am praying for my husband, that he puts you first. You Restore his heart to the fire when he first loved you. Let my husband love me like Christ loved the church so much he laid down his life and died for it. He gave himself for it. Even Adam gave himself for his wife, and had a deep slumber, almost death like sleep. I mean how don’t you don’t feel a whole rib being taken out of you? And it’s Just so your wife can have life! That alone is amazing! I pray for that, that he learns to die to self, so that I may have life through Christ. In Christ the way that God has ordered. I pray that he can see the spiritual realm, then he can stop being angry at physical truth and he can get to the root of the issues at hand, because he can then answer to God. I see the spiritual battles, I know how Lucifer works and I just wish that he could see it.  WE need to obey the Lord and be able to rebuke the devil, and how can we rebuke what we don’t know? I pray he can get back into discipleship. I don’t even want to talk to him about it, I don’t want to feel like I am forcing anything on him, I just want him to do it on his own accord. Continue reading

James 4:7

James 4:7  Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

 

I am focusing on the Lord in time, talent, and treasure. Putting him first. Something i thought inwas doing but I wasn’t. I was trying to take matters into my own hands and force him into someone and that isnt going to work. So I started to pray yesterday. For the past month I have been listening to Gods word every morning. I have been praying here and there.

Yesterday I started to pray. I wrote it down pjna daily calendar. And as much wrong and pain he has caused me and as much wrong he does, it can come down to a simple prayer for him. I pray he puts God first. I pray he can love me like Christ loved the church so much he died for it, and inpray he can get back in discipleship. Everything else will fall into place. If he puts God first he will want his heart. If he loves me lik Christ loved the church so much he died for it… He will learn to die to self, and he will learn to put his old self to death and rise in the likeness of Christ and through discipleship, he will learn what a Christian is. Acts 11:26 “… And the disciples were first called Christians in Antioch” he will learn how to lead and what it means. Today is day 2 of that same prayer. Yesterday the devil attacked hard. I got a message that he is still talking and seeing an ex girlfriend of his and we have been married for 2 years and have a child together. I asked him about it and he got so mad he talked about divorce. Said she is the one telling him to work on things woth me and all these other things. But yet for my birthday he didn’t even want to take a picture eith me and got mad that I posted a picture of us on my facebook page and tagged him in it. Just stupid things like that, that justify the things that I hear. All I did was ask him. I heard from someone else today that he asked her in between breakups, “where does that leave me?” She told him, “with your wife”. And this was from her. And this is the man I am praying for God to change his heart from the inside out.

He doesn’t understand what being ONE flesh means. And I know I have issues with trying to lead at times. No, none of these are excuses for his behaviour. I have flaws too is all I am saying. He always says “Ehhh not a good one from the way you make it seem.” Husband is what he is talking about. Well there is room for improvement. He pays bills. He is the provider and is a pretty good dad. But when you can treat the mother way better, you can be a better father. You’re showing your daughter the behaviour she can find acceptable. Whether she sees it or not.
I have to of course be praying for myself too. And the fact that he says that often, I am praying that I can render respect to him in public and private at all times. Im usually pretty good at it… But am I? If he feels that way, am I? Now am I also wrong for this? I can’t “prove” he’s cheating, because he won’t admit it… But I can prove it… I just haven’t caught him in the act. I have everything but that. So without that… I have spoken multiple women, phone records, emails, but just haven’t caught him in the act. And he denies it. And here I am. So saying he can be a better husband.. Am I wrong for that? Maybe I need to put my pride down and just leave this up to the Lord. I have to try. Like I said, i have been divorced 2x and I don’t know that I have fought, but the battle belongs to the Lord. I need to let him fight for me for once. And if he won’t allow the Lord to work, there is nothing left for me there but to move on. I need to give in to the Lord. And the devil will flee

BROKEN

I don’t know how I have done this for so long. I look back at my prayers and they are still the same. Its like I wonder if God is moving at all?????!!!! I ask him if he loves and cares for me and he says yes, so I ask, why don’t you love me then? Just love me… I don’t get it… I cant keep going on like t his for now. I almost left him tonight but I cant bring myself to do that just yet. He can spend all day texting and entertaining other people. he can entertain them, but when I try hes so damn dry with me. I cant do anything right it seems… I can just be a good mother… I have allowed this hurt to go on and on and on, and somethings gotta give.

I have been divorced 2x already, and I don’t want to have a 3rd. but I cant do anything anymore. Nothing… I give up… I quit…

as I type these words I hear a still small voice in my head saying, “don’t the time hasn’t come” what does that even mean tho?? God you know I cannot keep on not like this… I was ready to go to my dads tonight, but he told me I’m not taking his daughter… and that made me stop and talk to him…

we haven’t slept together in months, only once this year and its about to be the 4th month of the year… we talk, he’s always changing the subject when I try to talk about us.. instead of answering me… he tries to play it off… and its like he’s my best friend but that’s it… no romance at all…

I hate where I am in my life… I cant keep doing this to myself, and this is no state to be in… I have no one to talk to, and I am all alone… I cant talk to my friends because I don’t want him to look bad. I cant talk to the counselor because I don’t want him to look bad either, and I know them personally… I don’t know what to do or where to start with all this, and I guess that’s why I have this anonymous blog.

What better way to be anonymous than to have the most plane Jane doe name for a blog? I can give the best advise, but not to myself. I guess God has plans, but Idk how much longer I can really wait.

I have never prayed for anyone the way I pray for him. not my friends, or my family, or any other husband before, and I have seen the least amount of answers from God with this one. I’m just here… waiting on God… oh well…

It’s been a while

It has been a while since I have posted. I am sure you can see the date of my last post, and you can see that it’s been about a year. That doesn’t mean it has been all perfect, or that I just forgot to post the bad, but it has been a little of both!

This year is looking better than last, which is a great thing! Right now, I just feel I am running in place, and not going very far. I am bored in our marriage, and he doesn’t care. That is frustrating to say the least. I want to go on dates, I want to go on trips, I want to do stuff together. We just keep doing stuff separately instead. I do not like division in my own home.

It is March 20, 2017, and since we have woken up on January 1st, we have had sex 1 time, and it was NOT enjoyable. It’s so hard to get into it when he doesn’t want it. When I tell you that I do not look sloppy or anything, I really mean that. I could be smaller, I was only 15 lbs less when I got pregnant, so It’s not like I have a long way to go.

But what do you do when you are not in love? I am going through the motions, I am trying, but, he isn’t. It’s so weird, he is my best friend, and I don’t want to let him go, but I am just here living with my best friend, who keeps distant from me. Maybe I am obsessed with him loving me like Christ loved the church, and I KNOW what that looks like. So, when I see that NOT happening, not even some of the time, let alone most of the time, it is really hard to accept.

I haven’t been praying for him, just living day by day, I haven’t been in the word, not even alone, until about a week ago, that seemed so hard to get back into it. I feel like God is keeping things the way they are because I need to continue in prayer. I know some of you may be reading this thinking I am stupid. But, when I am in need of him, and I am praying for my husband, MANNNNNN, let me tell you how amazing things are! They are so different, I can hardly explain.

When we don’t have a need for God we tend to leave him behind. I am not mad at God for reminding me I cannot do it alone. If him and I end up divorcing, then so be it. I know God has a plan. I do not want divorce at all. That is the last thing I do want. But if things come to light and it doesn’t work, then what can I do?

I have learned a hard lesson. You CANNOT control what other people do, only how you react to what others do. It is something I still struggle with every day.

These are just my thoughts, and what is running through my head. As you can tell, I do not even have much to say. I may have 10 people reading this in my life time, and that is ok with me. But if you are one of those 10, and you are going through something, just know… You are not alone. Your situation isn’t as unique as you thought it was. There are so many people that need to hear your story, even if its little, maybe sharing can be the way that you hear what you need to. I am praying for you right now, even though I do not know you. I can’t say if it will be okay or not, but I know it will be alright in the end. I can help you share your story if you want, and post it from here, and let others comment. Share it with your friends, the whole page and let others read my pain, and if my chance they see yours and can have a few words of comfort, then every little bit helps. Maybe no one will ever read this, but the point is you shared it with someone. You let it out and are not holding on so tight to that burden any longer. As women we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. It will all work itself out.