When he’s a Jerk.

If I can’t be real with myself and God then who can I be real with?

Truth is, maybe I am over reacting… it still doesn’t mean he can be a jerk about it tho. I may have a bit of postpartum depression.. my daughter is 12 days old and the past 2 days I have been crying. I don’t feel beautiful, loved, or wanted by my husband… he askes me whats my deal over a text, i respond… he says he didn’t read it because it was too long… so why ask in the first place???????

As we’re going thru marriage counseling (not because we have problems, its pre marital after the fact) he wrote some things in his journal… he shared some of them on how he thought he could be a better husband. Some of the items include being empathetic, and understanding… which I need now… or could really use considering this whole just having a baby, women get in emotions type thing… so this is what I am asking God for right now…

I just really dislike him right now… i don’t hate him… i have been there… i am asking for him to be who he says he wants to be… just console my crybaby self Lord… you are my comforter, maybe I need to focus on that. Sometimes you send others to do that for you. I haven’t been in this place before, so I don’t know what to expect, i know I am feeling a little extra sad, and pretty alone. I almost feel like I’m going thru what I went thru with my ex husband and my 1st daughter… maybe there’s a lesson i need to relearn… but he still doesn’t need to be a jerk!!! If his heart was focused on you, then we wouldn’t be here… maybe I am not as focused as I should be on you either Lord… i pray for our focus to be on you Lord, i am asking for guidance, comfort, and peace, and above all to not have bitterness in my heart towards him. I ask these things in Jesus’s name.. Amen..

Power of Prayer

I do believe that it only works when one is willing… my husband has a willing heart if only pretending at first. Or maybe more so going through the motions… when you obey God, even without that willing heart tho, things can change.

My husband was willing to do marriage counseling. Its really pre marriage, but we’re already married. Just to help.lay a foundation for us. And he is willing to build relationships with ppl from church as well… that is helping a TON!!!

But its all helping answering this one prayer i have for my husband. The only prayer. That his heart is after God and in turn becomes more like Jesus.

He is starting to fellowship with ither married Christian men… and i don’t mean the ones who just go to church on Sunday and say the right thing. I am speaking about the ones whose lives actually reflect Christ. Loving one another, making sacrifices, putting others first, being selfless.

There are truly some days that I feel hate towards the man i have chosen to love and spend my life with, and I have to be honest with God to take that from me. .. but lately I have not only chosen to love him, but I have begun to fall for him all over again.

When he makes me upset, and causes me to get in my feelings, I have to come to God in prayer first to look at myself and am I right to be angry? ( Jonah 4:9 …. doest thou well to be angry? …) Most of the time the answer is yes… then i have to look at what I, MYSELF, can actually do about it. I can’t change him. So then i want to hate him, so I cry out to the Lord and I pray for him.

One of the hardest things you can do, and most rewarding, is pray for someone you hate in your heart.

The more you pray and cry put HONESTLY to the Lord, the less heavy your heart feels.

The more God does in a way of answering your prayer.

Today I am just thankful that there is a glimer of hope for change. His heart is opening up to God, and spending time with Godly men. Planning on his own to spend time in the Word. Things that I never could have made happen. The love I have for this man is only because of God. Still plenty of room to grow, but so thankful that God has opened my eyes to see the glory of God thru my husband.

In love is a feeling, to love is an action.

So many times we equate love with an actual feeling, but to love someone is a choice. To love your spouse is a choice and one you have to make daily. I have been married twice before and never prayed for my husband’s the way I pray for my husband this time around. The days that I feel hate for him, those are the days I chose to show him love.

When I first started this blog (I have deleted everything before now) it was about the wrong and anger my husband did and caused me. But how I chose to love him anyway even while I was hating him. I had the same number of followers as I do now.. ZERO lol… but even with that I couldn’t be completely open and honest. These are my confessions, not his. My struggle, not his.

Men are jerks, its almost as if its in their DNA. Not all the time, but they all have those tendencies! They can be hurtful in their words, actions, and other ways. Our picture of love is different than theirs. You can be married a lifetime before you see things eye to eye it feels.

Let me get back on track!!! We will just say, my husband wasn’t doing right by me in a biblical sense, and isn’t where he needs to be. Should we have waited to get married? You can definitely say that. But we didn’t. And my emotions are paying the price for it. But honestly, i don’t think I was fully where I needed to be until we got married and then expected him to be there. Thats not how it works. But now I expect him to change, just like a woman…

To change for the better and based off the premises of what he said he wanted, i don’t see anything wrong with that. There’s nothing i can do, but pray.

I was praying he would do A.B.C. then my prayers started to change… I started being real with God!!!!

God, I HATE HIM!!!! WHY IS HE SUCH AN ASS?!?!?!? and for about a week, it was my feelings for him. What I felt. But I knew I couldn’t treat him the way I felt.
John 13:35 says… by this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
And the end of Acts 11:26 says the disciples were first called Christians in Antioch….
So one way to show Christ, is to show love, no matter how we feel…

So i was real with God, while showing my husband respect, and just hating him on the inside, but showing him love.

My prayers started to change. One simple thing… he has a heart for you Lord. Thats it. His heart loves you first. Days still go by, moments when you feel like you want to throw the TV at him, but you take a moment and you pray, you remember hes ot God, hes not Jesus, hes just man. But hes your man, you chose him, you made that vow before God, you said you weren’t getting a divorce. And here you are. Choosing to love him in the midst of your pain, while he doesn’t understand. And as you pray, things get better, but not overnight. And these are my confessions. Maybe not as juicy as you would like! But they’re what I need.