The Spirit of Fear

Outside of always having stage fright as far back as I can remember, this is the stage in my life where I allowed the foothold for the devil to creep in.  I got married and pregnant all about the same time in my life, and as that happened, my husband at the time, was not so excited for it.  We made the choice to get pregnant together, but honestly, I didn’t believe it would really be possible, and he knew that as well.  I had a high-risk pregnancy with my first daughter, 2 miscarriages, and a doctor tell me that being able to carry a child to full term, just wouldn’t be in the cards for me.  Having my beautiful baby girl, now 2 years later, you can see just how wrong he was.  I married a ladies man.  Which was hard to believe, because he is the nerdy type, always gaming, but he did ride motorcycles. Continue reading

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Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

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Ephesians 6:12 Spiritual Warfare

The things I am going through right now. I finally get over my husband, and he talks to me about working it out. Who does that? I had to accept that he had just moved on, didn’t want me any more, and was better off without me. No lie I prayed that he wasnt having a great time without me, one of those, reap what you sow, kind of situations. While I was still wishing the best for him and praying for his heart for our daughter. For 2 years I have felt like the Israelites in Judges 10:8. Vexed an opressed, shattered and crushed. Not just broken, but shattered into thousands of pieces. My entire marriage was like this. While he was out doing him, I was at home with the children as depression sets in, trying to take care of home, going to work, making things happen for them, not being a team, and not taking care of me. I waiver liie the waves in the ocean in my relationship with Christ. And this morning, it hit me, Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. I know this already, I have written about it, I have tried to make him see it, but I left pieces of my armor at home.

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I am not Worthy

Do you ever feel like you are not worthy of Gods love, mercy, and grace? There are so many days when I feel that way, when I wonder if I am good enough. But then I have to remember, God’s love is like a mothers love, he loved us first, and it is unconditional.  1 John 4:19 and Romans 8:38-39 are just a few verses to let us know about his love, and nothing can change that. Matthew 8:5-15, speaks of a soldier who feels he is not worthy for Jesus to come into his home, but he has so much faith in him, that a word from the mouth of the Lord, and his servant should be healed. Healing, it can be a process for most of us, but when Jesus is in the midst of it all, you only need but a word and it is so. This just hit me. So often we think of healing as something that takes time, and in some cases it can. But what about emotional healing? If you truly trust in God, and KNOW that he is enough, and he will protect you, and comfort you, and guide you, then why is there a process to trust again, love again, or to be whole again?  Continue reading

Hindsight is 20/20

I have been going through this longer than May of 2016, because I was using another blog before that. Just so I can write into oblivion where no one knows me, and my feelings and prayers can go out into the open space where the reality is only 1’s and 0’s, not as the perception we want it to be. I deleted some, because I felt I may have been too harsh, and it wasn’t with a loving heart. Even in the post, I hate him, was with love. It was coming from a place of hurt, but it was with love, so much love. I have tried and tried, and we only got married on July 2, 2015. Only a few months after we were married, things changed. Found emails between him and another, the lies about where he was going, but for once in my life, I felt helpless as I was pregnant, and had to stop working. I needed him. But above all I loved him. I was in love with him, because he was truly the very first man who has seen all of me. He saw how I grew up first hand, What I went through, He saw the most inner parts of me, and I allowed myself to open up, because I believe what marriage is supposed to be. I believe in the union of two people becoming one, I believe in hanging in through sickness and health till death do you part. I was lead to believe, he believed the same.  Continue reading

I am Bothered

I guess someone can only be unbothered for so long before they are bothered by the one who is suppose to love and protect them. A heart can only break so many times before it is shattered into a million pieces and like humpty dumpty, cannot be put together again. Is it my fault because prayer for him has become inconsistent? Is it my fault because some days I hate him even though I do not show him anything but love??

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Thy desire shall be to thy husband

Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

It was weird, the other day after I had posted “My husband, my lord” post, I was messing around with calling him lord again, and of course, Satan, wanted to mess around too. And out of nowhere, here he is (the husband) talking about I told you I would give you whatever you asked for in a divorce. I was like really? WOW!!! And this was all because I told him he couldn’t bowl on Fridays because it didn’t fit the family. He had to find another night.  Continue reading