The things I am going through right now. I finally get over my husband, and he talks to me about working it out. Who does that? I had to accept that he had just moved on, didn’t want me any more, and was better off without me. No lie I prayed that he wasnt having a great time without me, one of those, reap what you sow, kind of situations. While I was still wishing the best for him and praying for his heart for our daughter. For 2 years I have felt like the Israelites in Judges 10:8. Vexed an opressed, shattered and crushed. Not just broken, but shattered into thousands of pieces. My entire marriage was like this. While he was out doing him, I was at home with the children as depression sets in, trying to take care of home, going to work, making things happen for them, not being a team, and not taking care of me. I waiver liie the waves in the ocean in my relationship with Christ. And this morning, it hit me, Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. I know this already, I have written about it, I have tried to make him see it, but I left pieces of my armor at home.
I have been going through this longer than May of 2016, because I was using another blog before that. Just so I can write into oblivion where no one knows me, and my feelings and prayers can go out into the open space where the reality is only 1’s and 0’s, not as the perception we want it to be. I deleted some, because I felt I may have been too harsh, and it wasn’t with a loving heart. Even in the post, I hate him, was with love. It was coming from a place of hurt, but it was with love, so much love. I have tried and tried, and we only got married on July 2, 2015. Only a few months after we were married, things changed. Found emails between him and another, the lies about where he was going, but for once in my life, I felt helpless as I was pregnant, and had to stop working. I needed him. But above all I loved him. I was in love with him, because he was truly the very first man who has seen all of me. He saw how I grew up first hand, What I went through, He saw the most inner parts of me, and I allowed myself to open up, because I believe what marriage is supposed to be. I believe in the union of two people becoming one, I believe in hanging in through sickness and health till death do you part. I was lead to believe, he believed the same. Continue reading
1 Thessalonians 5:15-18,22
15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.16 Rejoice evermore. 17 Pray without ceasing.18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you… 21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
This just gave me so much peace to read. All that I have or have not been doing right or wrong, it doesn’t really matter, because at the end of the day God has the final say. What I was doing, was, I wasn’t letting go, and letting God, and this past weekend, I let go. I stopped worrying, and stopped caring, and all of a sudden… I felt so free! Continue reading
I guess someone can only be unbothered for so long before they are bothered by the one who is suppose to love and protect them. A heart can only break so many times before it is shattered into a million pieces and like humpty dumpty, cannot be put together again. Is it my fault because prayer for him has become inconsistent? Is it my fault because some days I hate him even though I do not show him anything but love??
Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
It was weird, the other day after I had posted “My husband, my lord” post, I was messing around with calling him lord again, and of course, Satan, wanted to mess around too. And out of nowhere, here he is (the husband) talking about I told you I would give you whatever you asked for in a divorce. I was like really? WOW!!! And this was all because I told him he couldn’t bowl on Fridays because it didn’t fit the family. He had to find another night. Continue reading
1 Pet 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
One of the hardest attacks I have had, was when I decided to call my husband Lord, after listening to a sermon, from one of my favorites, Tony Evans. I thought I would try it out. It was kind of recent, It was actually when I started up this blog again actually. The funny thing is, I thought he would be like, “don’t call me that”, but he wasn’t that way. I don’t think he minded it much, He was mean lol, and it was funny only because I could see the spiritual working already, and it was so fast. It was INSANE! I did write about it, so you already saw I think, how that worked out. But I was driving when I was listening to the sermon, so I didn’t get to read where she called him Lord, and now that I see the whole scripture, I just of course, just had to write about it! Continue reading
It has been a while since I have posted. I am sure you can see the date of my last post, and you can see that it’s been about a year. That doesn’t mean it has been all perfect, or that I just forgot to post the bad, but it has been a little of both!
This year is looking better than last, which is a great thing! Right now, I just feel I am running in place, and not going very far. I am bored in our marriage, and he doesn’t care. That is frustrating to say the least. I want to go on dates, I want to go on trips, I want to do stuff together. We just keep doing stuff separately instead. I do not like division in my own home.
It is March 20, 2017, and since we have woken up on January 1st, we have had sex 1 time, and it was NOT enjoyable. It’s so hard to get into it when he doesn’t want it. When I tell you that I do not look sloppy or anything, I really mean that. I could be smaller, I was only 15 lbs less when I got pregnant, so It’s not like I have a long way to go.